All i do is log onto spotify and hit play. Closing my eyes as i lean back in my chair. The hum of the music rises up in my ears. Just a few more seconds and im gone. The flour turns to water to drown me. Its taking me away from myself……. and i couldn’t be happier that for just a while i can leave this world behind me. I needed this. I dont show it to many but i have been falling apart, trying to keep it out of sight because who would want to be friends with a bipolar freak like me. I would rather hide in myself then burden them. The only one who knows is the one that cant leave me. I think it hurts her every time i tell her…….. i cant put much more on her, she has her own problems to carry without mine. To be honest this whole time i have been only scaring her more and more. Ive been like poison in her life the past year and 4 months but she still cant see it, even when i told her. She still loves me.
I dont even listen to the words i just feel the beat. It flows and presses up against me like the waters it conjured in my mind.
after 4 mints and 24 seconds its over and im back where it hurts. I dont want to be back here. Oh God if your out there i could use a sign that you can at least still see im trying. That has to be worth something right?
Mist by bloody-chivalry @ deviantart.com
I want to leave becuase this is killing me, im closing off and shutting everyone else out just to fucking cope with such stupid tiny unimportant problems, most of the people i love i just cant feel anymore….. im losing my grip…. how long till i stop moving forward altogether and not even the 3 people i care about most are lost, ill be inanimate. When your truly alone it cant hurt anymore.
For a long time i haven’t looked my best with my appearance and haven’t taken many pictures of myself. I don’t know really know how or what got me in the DGAF faze but a few months ago i started working out again. My hair looks best long but had to be cut short after a hair cut miss hap last summer and some where around then it started getting to a respectable length in my eyes, but it still had a ways to go. And after that i changed meds and lost the wait gain side effect of my former medication further adding to the wait loss. With a loss of a good 17lb total and hair being half way to the length i wanted it i turned to cloths. Most of my cloths make me look like I’m homeless with the exception of a few cool things i fit in again due to the weight loss. Luckily for me the job in the school cafeteria that i had been trying to get since the beginning of the year hired me. I have acquired a few new things from a thrift store down the street (god bless there souls TT.TT ) and now its a matter of waiting till the 9th to complete my evil sceem using my first pay check. Honestly the self esteem that comes along with controlling your appearance and making it exactly how you want it to be is beyond words. Also the noticeable difference in my girlfriends behavior is also pretty cool to ;3
witch hunter by *Jon Bloody-Chivalry just a free-hand from a manga im reading :P
MAYBE SHE’S BORN WITH IT…………………..MAYBE ITS MAYBELLINE
yea slipped this one into my history groups presentation